I suppose I'll
start off my little writing adventure with a bang. Though my own romantic
relationships have been few in number to this point they have been high in
variety and I have learned a lot. I've had the first awkward high school
relationship, The deeply and foolishly in love relationship, the short lived
but passionate relationship, and am currently engrossed in a long term but no
expectations relationship. What I have found out about myself is that it isn't necessarily
the type of woman that matters, but having different types of women to choose
from. What I initially might have attributed as merely feelings of lust have
sparked deeper thought on the subject of monogamy.
While I of course, do not condemn
monogamy I just have come to feel that for many of us it's not entirely
realistic. When was it decided that a persons need to have exclusive emotional
rights to their partner is more important than another’s desire
for variety and excitement in life? Even if one
partner decides they have no interest in sex at all anymore, the second is
forbidden from seeking satisfaction elsewhere. In what world is this fair? How
is sex with another a sign you don’t love your partner, but withholding it eternally against all their desires is
not? Why is it that people pay lip service to the idea that love is not about
sex, and yet when confronted with infidelity the automatic assumption is that
they don’t love you anymore. So, which is it, might I ask?
In my own
opinion this is nothing less than selfishness, cleverly branded as virtue. The
hypocrisy of it all is astounding actually. I have noticed a curious double standard as well. Though obviously not always the case, it seems that often, when a man cheats, he’s a terrible
person, no questions asked. When a woman cheats it was a “mistake” and she was “confused” seem to be acceptable answers. Why do
we not all shed the lies and be honest with ourselves? Humans are not naturally
monogamous creatures. Human beings, as all apes, compete for mates. Females
fight for the attention of males and vice versa, naturally. But at some point
we decided that in order to be more cultured we would
decide that to avoid animalistic feelings of jealousy we would all choose to
suppress the urge to seek other mates. The odd thing is, is suppressing the
animalistic feelings of jealousy and otherwise doing as we please not just as, if not
MORE valid an option?
One thing
is certain, it is far easier to control feelings of jealousy than feelings of
love and desire. Love is a force far stronger than mere feelings of jealousy. I
personally have no desire to be forced into a monogamous arrangement. It doesn’t
suit a man of my tastes and personality. I love women, I love to talk with
them, flirt with them, and spend time in close proximity to them. I’m very much
a fan of sex but it isn’t all about that for me. I’d rather be in a sexless
relationship where I’m allowed the freedom to spend time with all of the
beautiful girls who suit my fancy than be in a sexual relationship where my
activities are so restricted. I feel attracted to beautiful girls of all kinds,
and I feel that is a very natural desire and it’s healthy for one’s self-esteem
to be surrounded by beauty and mystery like that.
That’s what this world is all about. Exploring
the beauty and mystery that is the world around us. A man who sticks close to
his own kind, only ever indulging in that which he’s grown up with and
rejecting all else is considered to be closed minded, uncultured, stubborn,
cold to the world… and yet committing lifelong to one relationship, no matter
how dull it is, and how empty you feel inside is suddenly a virtue? I have my
doubts about this. Though my real problem is not with monogamy itself. But the
fact that for some god forsaken reason we have it in our heads as a culture
that there’s no other way to do it, and that alternate relationship forms are
inherently evil.
My
friends, I say to you this, the only evil in the world is forcing others to do
as you please with their lives. I am accepting of other cultures, of course! I
do not call myself un citoyen du monde
for nothing! But when a culture shames people, oppresses their needs and
desires and treats people as criminals for expressing who they are as individuals
that is not culture! Culture is food, dance, music, art, architecture,
festivals, history… habitual tyranny is not culture. People need to stop
accepting “It’s just their culture” as a reason to allow the oppression of
humanity.
In regard
to culture and sexuality, the middle-east has some different views on things.
They serve as an excellent example of both what people are capable of when they
put their minds to it as well as just how nasty human beings can be to each
other. They have wholeheartedly accepted that monogamy is unrealistic and men
are allowed to freely pursue that which they desire. The problem is its only
men who are allowed this freedom. If women were too it would be a far happier
society. The odd thing is that nearly all societies used to work this way. Whose
bright idea was it to take away men’s right to freedom of exploration? What exactly
would be wrong with simply allowing women the same privileges? Do we, as men
really detest the idea of equality so much that we would place restrictions on
our own happiness simply to keep women miserable? Or have I missed something?
Perhaps people
are afraid that with people on the loose, having sexual relations as they see
fit, that instances of rape will be more frequent? I hope this is not the case
because such an idea is laughably absurd. For the most part, a great many cases of rape are
committed by culturally monogamous individuals. From what I can see, rape is
caused by people with very little self-control and by people who are at least
borderline, sociopaths. A change in attitude about sex and relationships in our
culture will not, and cannot change this. Any more than building more grocery
stores will stop people from hunting for sport, the two are not deeply
connected.
But what
of cultures like in the aforementioned middle-east? Rape is particularly high
there isn’t it? Well, that’s a different story entirely. Such a “culture”
places no punishment on men for doing things such as that. So if men are never
taught that such things are wrong, they follow their animalistic instincts. Rape
is terrible, and to the one receiving, psychologically traumatizing, but it is
in fact natural in a biological sense. So really, one doesn’t need to be a
sociopath to commit such an act if they are in fact, culturally ignorant to
their actions. Which is precisely why one must be careful in using the “it’s
only natural” philosophy too liberally.
Now the
women of those nations… I weep for the conditions they live in, I really do.
However there is ;and I did briefly foreshadow this earlier; one intriguing quality about them. They are, for their part, very calm and at times
downright carefree to their husband’s amorous activities. Now, how they came to
this acceptance and grace is deplorable, because they do not even have the rights to their own feelings. However, it does prove that
you can suppress and even eradicate feelings of jealousy if you were truly
committed to doing so, or if you grew up doing so. My only issue with this, of
course is the fact that they have no choice in the matter.
And
really, that circles around to my main belief on all of this. Liberty is
precious, and taking that away from anyone is despicable! Forcing your ideals
on anyone, no matter what they may be, is an awful thing to do. I am less
advocating a certain lifestyle, and more advocating the idea that we all leave each
other alone about our individual choices. As with the institution of monogamy,
when one partner demands it when the other doesn’t wish it, it is merely
another form of tyranny in my eyes. Nothing more than a case of “my feelings
are more important than your feelings!”
And that
brings me to another point of thought in fact. People say infidelity is “heart
breaking” to them. Well, what on earth for? They haven’t hurt you in any way.
This is not to say that what you don’t know won’t hurt you sometimes. But if
ignorance truly is bliss, then could you not learn to be blissful with knowledge
as well? To me, if you come to no physical harm whatsoever, then you are not
truly wounded at all. Perhaps you are sad your partner spent his time with
another. But perhaps he is sad that he is not allowed to be free to spend time
with others. At this point, it is as I have said, it’s simply my feelings vs
your feelings. Why have we chosen a default victor no matter the situation? Our
relations run on a he-who-cries-first-wins, basis and it’s absurd.
As is the idea
that you can only love one person at a time. If you can love many
children for the same reasons, or many friends for the same reasons, why is it
we believe you cannot possibly love more than one romantic partner for the
same, or even different reasons? We love different people for different reasons
all the time! Just not usually AT the same time. The rule is that you love one
person at a time or you don’t really love them. Poppycock! Need I remind us all
that such rules are the rules of society, and not of the heart? The heart can
love whom and whatever it desires, for any reason it desires. I am not of the
school of thought that oppressing people from freely expressing their love for
those around them, somehow makes a better society.
Imagine a
world, where those who find it in their hearts to love many may love openly and
freely without fear of jealousy, scorn and hatred. And where those whose hearts
belong to another may be free to be with that one special person just the same.
A world where we do as we please, mind our own business, and govern our minds
in the interest of only protecting those around us, and not commanding them
based on our own invisible feelings…ah, what a wonderful world it could be!
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